Why I’ll Be Single Forever Pt II: Appreciating Abstinence & Singlehood

I came into my thirties a single woman with no kids and no obligations. I’m looking around and a good majority of my friends have either gotten married or started families by now. Even if they’re not doing the family thing in a traditional way, they’ve created a little broke bestie to love on them and be loved by them unconditionally. I get asked all the time, how am I single and why don’t I have kids yet, how am I not married? As I mentioned in I’ll Probably Be Single Forever: Here’s Why, niggas will claim that being single and attractive means there’s something wrong with you. And to someone maybe it is lol. There is something truly exceptional about being single to me though. I’m going to attempt to explain it without persuading people to part ways with their person. I mean don’t get me wrong, liking someone, dating and crushing on someone feels great and all but it’s just something about the single life that just seems to work for me right now.

Single = Freedom

Being single works for me because I enjoy my freedom. Simply put, I’m extroverted around people I really fuck with but I can be just as much of an introvert with a crazy desire to be alone. To date in that capacity would mean that I’d need balance.

That also takes understanding. I enjoy moving the way I want and not really having to deal with the commitment of consistent communication or interest for the lack thereof. People always say that that’ll change when I like or even love someone. For me though, I’d like to consider myself emotionally independent meaning: my happiness does not revolve around how much of someone else I can have. I have had my share of situationships and have had a life outside of my person when I did have one. It always usually boiled down to me wanting to have time to myself with no ill intent. It’s much easier to do it when I’m single. I can be considerate of the other person and still have my time and my space to just be alone. I enjoy the simplicity of that and it would take a strong man to understand what that means for me without them feeling like I’m not interested in them.

The Importance of Boundaries

One of my brothers has given me hard truths about my choice in men. I’ll own it, the ones I was choosing were poor. He never approved of any of them. He never thought they were on my level. Jeff always thought I was settling and that I could have done better. It took me to get where I’m at today to see that the value that he has always saw in me wasn’t the value I always saw in myself. In my mind I felt like he just would never think any guy would be good enough for me as my brother; but he would see what I couldn’t and that solely was coming from the mind of a man. My brother thinks the world of me and so for him it was always a feeling of him knowing I could have done or chose better. And I could have. For that reality to set in for me though I had to really grow through some shit to get here / allow me to get into what and where here is – I’ve had my share of situationships: some where I made good decisions and some where I did not. Some where I just went with the flow and some where I tried my hardest to control my outcomes. I’ve been wise and I’ve also been naive. I’ve been guarded and I’ve been too trusting. What I’ve learned from those situations was the importance of setting boundaries in order to show someone how I wanted and deserved to be treated. You’ve read about my extravagant dates and how some guys didn’t make the cut for me. I’ve yet to share some experiences where I played myself: I did the bid – puttin money on the books and the phone – steppin off for the sporadic phone calls, doin the “visits” and I wrote them long ass letters; I believed a nigga when he said he was just sleeping on the couch and the one who said he was just with his girl because he was a father figure to her son. I believed this one guy who said his wife didn’t show him enough love, affection and attention and I’ve been that loyal girl that committed myself to a guy who never made the relationship official lol. I been the girl who held shit down and stayed down because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I dead ass thought that to keep a nigga I had to prove my loyalty; proving how loyal and solid I was left me with an empty cup in the end though. Naturally, some people such as myself are big on empathy, our nurturing spirit and love for others will have us playing the role of a superhero. The hard lesson in all of those experiences however, was learning that some niggas don’t want to be saved, fixed or healed. Why? Because being broken gets them more attention. Having to heal requires maturity and growth and a lot of people are not ready to face the ugly parts of themselves and grow up yet. I had to give a rest to the “all niggas ain’t perfect” mentality and really check myself. Yes, nobody in this world is perfect but that didn’t mean I had to settle for the things that I did either. I loved playing superwoman because that cape made me feel worthy. It made me feel valued, like I was needed. I always been one to talk good game about how I know better but because I had no boundaries, I wasn’t doin better.

I was doin anything, actually lol. All of these situations taught me the importance of boundaries and remembering my worth. Love does not equal loyalty. When you start setting boundaries in your life, whether you’re dealing with family or friends, you will notice one of two things. People will either stop fucking with you or they will fuck with you harder. Either way, it allows people to show you exactly who they are. When I started setting boundaries in my life it allowed me to speak up for myself, show up for and stand up for myself. That meant I had to be vocal about the bullshit, I had to call out the red flags and I had to start outsmarting dudes before they started sweet talkin. When I started speaking up for myself I couldn’t give a fuck about if a nigga was mad that my boundary was an inconvenience for them, it was never about convenience for me, always about respect. Boundaries continuously show me who is really down for me. A nigga could speak on how he likes me for more than my body but them boundaries will show me exactly what that looks like for him. Some niggas don’t wanna wait, they don’t want to do the work to break your guard down, they don’t give a fuck about you being comfortable with them and they don’t want to have conversations that allows you to really get to know them. Shit some of them don’t even know themselves enough to show up for you. And what I’ve learned is that whatever I’m willing to give up in exchange for a nigga and/or his time is exactly what they will take: what I allow is what will continue. I love being single because I get to assess how niggas is really moving – on my time. Telling me you like me is effortless – taking the time out to have thought provoking conversations or planning thoughtful outings is what women like. Any nigga can pull up on me and sit outside my house to talk and any nigga can just take me out to eat. Any nigga can offer up some sex and a meal. I been on all the dates – ain’t none of that shit impressive at this point. I treat myself to $80 meals all the time. Some shit with me is truly nonnegotiable and I just recently learned this the hard way. If a female decides to speak up about her standards or her boundaries and says that she’s not wit something then that’s exactly what the fuck she means. Them boundaries are not up for compromise so don’t try to persuade her or sway her to do anything that she doesn’t want to do. That to me just automatically kills the vibes. There’s no real explanation for authentic connection and chemistry and to be quite honest it isn’t hard to have. It just takes time and you have to be patient enough to get there with that person.

All Compromise Ain’t Good

You ever go thru some shit that you just feel like you will never come out of or get over? I have. At one point I had been so broken that I hit a place where I didn’t want to date anymore. I had convinced myself that I would be the cool aunt pulling up to all my nieces and nephews birthday parties with a cup of tequila, secretly sliding them money and telling them not to tell their parents. I had truly convinced myself that I’d have the big ass house so all my god kids could just come over whenever they wanted because I wouldn’t have a family of my own. I had almost given up and I really started to believe that maybe there wasn’t anyone out there for me because no man could not wait for me long enough to really get to know me for who I really am. And when they did, they were inconsistent, probably scared, stuck on an ex and broken themselves which caused trust issues, they didn’t think they were good enough for me or they were taken. They’d either fall too hard too soon or moved too fast to try and fuck me, then the thrill of that honeymoon phase would be gone and it would just be a waste of my time. And then I thought that maybe I should just start dating men with kids because I mean they’d make a good dad since they had the experience, maybe I didn’t need any of my own – maybe I didn’t need the attachment since I enjoy being alone. I’ve also once thought that maybe I was just too educated and too busy, too focused on work or just too intimidating, booty too big or just too much of something. Lastly, I thought that I had been too naive to believe that in order to be truly happy and involved with someone, I would have to compromise with the thought that if I had to choose between being single forever and being cheated on occasionally, that I would really be single forever. Sayin all that to say, all compromise ain’t good. Being with someone isn’t worth me compromising my values because I want someone to lay with at night. I’m not really one sold on the fact that all men cheat and I honestly believe that there are good, worthy, valuable and faithful men out there. I know some personally. It was me though, I have chosen the wrong ones and I can sit in my truth to speak that. I’d honestly prefer being single over being in a 30 year marriage with someone who thinks its okay to cheat and hides their infidelity. I just don’t know if that’s really true to me. Not that love has to be a fairy tale but if someone feels like they have to cheat occassionally they may as well just be single and free to do what they want. This for me is something that is not up for compromise. I’m one of those I’ll give 1 thousand niggas a chance before I give one nigga a thousand chances type of females. One thousand chances though don’t mean I’m getting hit a thousand times lol. Somebody will get it right but til then it’s pimp or die (nah I’m lyin 😂).

Appreciating Abstinence & Singlehood

I’m in this weird crazy phase where I’m just fully accepting and appreciating my singlehood and I’m welcoming abstinence with it. I love being single because when I’m ready to date, I enjoy the ability to have options. I enjoy learning and conversing with different men about who they are and where they stand in the world, what they think of themselves, what they think of women and about what they’ve learned in regard of how to treat a woman. Anybody who really knows me knows how inquisitive I can be. So yes, I think it’s something special about engaging in these types of conversations with men. A lot of y’all are not even used to females picking your brain. I enjoy it especially as it pertains to this blog; there’s a sense of fulfillment being able to interact with different guys about their thoughts and their feelings in correlation to what they’ve read. Being single allows me to do just that, freely. One of my top 5 strengths is that I’m a learner and naturally the way that I learn is through conversation. I honestly don’t know any man who’d be okay with their woman conversing with multiple guys – whether it’s on Instagram, in person or thru the phones – no matter how innocent it is (for me) – it wouldn’t be okay. I use my singlehood to my greatest advantage because these are times that I won’t get back. As a writer and a creative, it’s important for me to perfect my craft and those conversations with men allow me to do just that. Some of y’all may be having uncomfortable thoughts about how open I am with my conversations / you may even assume that a guy could use his conversation with me to his advantage to slide his way in or feel as though I’m too friendly. But this is why I come back to my previous point about boundaries. I love my innocence and I’m a lady first. I know who I am, I walk in my truth and as long as I’m true to myself and to others, I can do me without doing harm to others and myself.

That said, with every chance that I get I appreciate and celebrate my abstinence (when I do abstain which is VERY often lol) and my singlehood. I know and appreciate my exclusiveness. I’m super aware of it, I take pride in that as well as my reputation. I’m so proud of it that it can’t be put into words. I have been in several positions where I was in a getting-to-know-you stage with a guy and wanting to abstain. It’s more comforting to be able to take my time and feel things out, you know like really be comfortable about what I’m getting into as well as who is trying to get into me. I had a situation recently and I spoke on my discernment with wanting to take my time and really get to know this person. There was a shift, however. It was good until it wasn’t, I guess and I do have a part in that – saying that so that this guy is not painted to be a bad guy because he wasn’t. But from the perspective of a female, I think it’s fucked up how some niggas will try to sway me out of my decision with abstaining to get what they want. They throw shit at me like: that joint too phat to not be doin nothin wit it, you’re grown, you gotta be more open minded, you’re selfish, we both want something out of this, I’m not paying for no more dates, if you don’t wanna give it up somebody else will and I’m not tryin waste my time or yours so if you ain’t fuckin we might as well stop talking now. I’ve heard it all. They even agree to let the female take the lead until she’s ready and because we want the guy to be interested, we go along with it. The intimacy and vibe be there until it isn’t there anymore. And it sucks that things can quickly change as soon as you allow yourself to open up to someone when you’re trying to do something different. This isn’t just pertaining to sex; shit it can pertain to the men who want to actively date without getting used. In this case however, it gets a little tough as an attractive woman with standards. I’d definitely consider myself a 90 day or whatever – make him wait – kind of girl. Know this before sliding in my DMs lol. Men love coming at me saying I got plenty niggas when the real truth is that all niggas are trying to hit me. Maybe not as soon as tomorrow but that comes with the territory. I’ve come to grips with that, it’s better to be found attractive right? It may not be all of them wanting more or less but the common thing of interest is what’s between my legs and my ass, truly. Making a nigga wait isn’t literally making them wait – it’s me assessing how much they’re willing to put the work in for me, for it and whether or not they even respect me enough to wait and/or put some work in.

I’m trying to figure out if they really trying to vibe or if the time spent is temporary. The one time I stepped outside of my boundary and gave it up sooner than what I normally would have – which has no set time frame but it’s never been under a 90 day span tbh – I didn’t feel good about it after. It was a weird energy exchange, it wasn’t bad but it left me feeling bad, like used…like I feel like I had truly did myself a disservice by not stopping it knowing I didn’t want to do it. I’m not much of a risk taker and so with that risk I can honestly say, wasn’t quite worth the taking. And it’s very likely that I wouldn’t do that again. It wasn’t that the guy was disrespectful or that he didn’t know what he was doing; he was very attractive and he was kind, it was me for not really standing on what I wanted to do.

I’m all mental first and everything else second. A lot of females are like that – mental. I noticed that the waiting is more so trying to see if that connection/chemistry is there and that can’t be rushed. It also doesn’t lie. I never been the girl to fuck just to fuck. I’ve stressed it before and will continue to say to men that a lot of us females need mental stimulation first.

That experience reminded me of how I operate and what works for me. I’m very much in tune with my self and my body because of the ability to abstain. I appreciate my abstinence because it allows me to really tap into my own self on a spiritual level. I can self reflect, I can get focused and really discipline myself without falling victim to my own sexual desires. It helps me to lust a lot less and think things though before I just let any body inside of my body. It has to be feeling as close to right as it can get. I never feel as if I’m punishing myself or being selfish while I’m abstaining, shit it’s my body. It’s worked well for me and for my reputation; the way I move and how I operate is the main reason why a group of niggas can’t collectively talk bad about me now. And like I said before, I take a whole lot of pride in that.

To sum this all up, I’m not driven by the sex or hookup culture which is why I spend most of my time being single and I’m happy about it. When I’m single I’m not obliged to anything or anyone. I’m free to just be me: it’s no pressure to live up to anybody’s expectations or give it up when I’m not feelin it. I personally feel like a lot of relationships and “friendships” be toxic because people are passing pain through each other with sex: hooking up temporarily and steppin off as if nothin ever happened. We getting the act of sex confused with the desire for intimacy and that’s how hurt people hurt people. We be wounded, broken, insecure, afraid and emotionally unstable all while covering it up with “confidence” to feel good about ourselves. I don’t think the mass is ready for that conversation though. I be single so I can do the work on myself which will always be an on going process. And until I meet somebody who can meet me where I’m at mentally and emotionally, I’m gon keep doin me.

I’m not a playa I promise. But I do crush from time to time. And as a single woman I enjoy flirting lol. Emphasis on the single because “that’s my business”, in my auntie Tabitha voice. Just being honest. Black men (no shade to any other race lol) have smiles that light up my heart. Y’all deserve to smile and y’all deserve the world just like we do. I truly be happy that I can be part of that in some shape or form. Call it friendly or whatever you want, y’all gon know that I got a heart full of peace and love over here. I used to think my best option was to be mean to guys because I didn’t want to give off a overly friendly vibe like I was a whore or dtf lol. I’ve found my balance though and I communicate my thoughts. I be sure to let people know that I’m a cool person you know but I enjoy making people feel welcome and worthy, as I love when people do the same for me. I did not always know that flirting was something I actually enjoyed doing. It wasn’t until I went out with a guy, who I will name Bus Boy for now, because that’s where he took me after we went to see Queen & Slim. Bus Boy was quite charming, he was a lil handsome and he was very truthful in his conversation with me. We talked over chicken tacos and of course I had me a small cup of green jasmine tea. I don’t know who eats tacos and drinks tea together but the combo was quite amazing. Anyway, we talked about the regular shit like how we got into our occupations and what not, but it got really juicy when we started talking about our ideas of what a relationship is. We both admitted to being flirtacious and we both said that we enjoyed making people smile. I wanted to know more as I felt quite intrigued and stimulated by his thoughts. It blew the fuck out of my mind though when he parted his lips in response to a question that was very important to me: what would you consider as cheating?

Stick around for the deets on that. All I can say is Bus Boy was a wild luva.