Here’s an addition to Part III. The Real. Raw & Uncut. 🌹
The name(s) Big Booty Judy/Judy, promoted the glorification of having a developed body. Doing simple things isn’t normal. No more going to stores in anything, because whether I looked my best or not, someone was gonna look at my ass and make a big wild ass gesture about it. A grown woman probably my mother’s age, whose stomach may have been a bit pudgier than mine, would look me up and down as if I snatched the soul out of her nigga body. When whole time she’d be in the store alone. Even if she wasn’t alone, she’d see me, look at her man, and grab his hand. Men could be with their lady, see me, and put their arm around their lady waist or over her shoulders. They’re still going to sneak that look though regardless. I get it. Maybe my presence makes people feel insecure. Not all, but some. You know the saying, “Insecure people make you feel insecure”. It took me so long to find the truth in that. Insecure people feed off of each other, just like misery loves company. The people looked at me crazy and as a result of that I thought crazy things about myself. I would often compare myself to the late Sarah Bartman. People run up to me in public and stare at me like I’m some weird figure. It’s as if my body is abnormal. My body is always on display and while some gaze at me in amazement, others stare at me as if I’m some freak alien or some shit. I went in the grocery store couple weeks ago, a boy watched me walk by and screamed “oh my fuckin God” so loud he disturbed all of the white people in the produce section. I promise I can’t make this up. I felt slightly embarrassed because I didn’t have to look at him to know why. I was in the Giant on 7th street. All of the people in there started scrambling to see what he was screaming about. He shouted out to his mans in some weird ass bird call type of way, trying to get their attention. He was using hand gestures and head signals TRYING to be discreet about them taking a look at me. Slim was hotter than a fresh butter baked biscuit coming out of the oven on a warm Thanksgiving night. For the rest of my time in the store, I tried to use my purse to cover up my behind, I wanted to die on the inside. I just.. wanted …to ..vanish. As much as things like that happens, I always feel the same way, as if it’s the first time it happened all over again. FYI TO GUYS THAT DO THIS AND THINK ITS COOL: We can hear you. It doesn’t matter how low you say it, we can hear you. It doesn’t matter what shows on your face, we can see you. Your body language gives away everything you think, say and feel. You think I don’t know you starring when I’m not looking, I can feel it. I feel when niggas follow me. I watch them undress me with their eyes and imagine doing all kinds of things to me, so while some of y’all like to believe that girls get dressed for this kind of attention on purpose, you have it sadly mistaken.
While I was in New York over the weekend, I had a lady come up to me to say that she and her friends couldn’t help but admire what they saw. I couldn’t hear most of what she was saying in between what seemed to be the livest Dj on the block and the birthday celebrating lituations to the right of me, but she was friendly. Before she left me, she said that she thought my ass was asstastic. I was wow’ed, not by what she said. But by what she said, that was a new ass joke to add to the list. Just to reiterate again, the first compliment wasn’t that I was pretty, cute, or beautiful. I was asstastic. She and her friends couldn’t help but notice how big my ass was in my
everything destroyed 🥀shorts. My friends looked surprised, and Sweetycakez🌺 had to let them know that this happens all the time. It’s never new to me, it’s new to those who are around me when it happens. Because I been so focused on the positive vibes, I’ve learned not to let it get me upset. I smile instead, I welcome more conversation, room for questions and the ability to allow the curious mind to get their thoughts out. My friends however, they looked and watched in disbelief, me and Sweetycakez🌺 shrugged because it was the norm. This is life everyday for me, inside the workplace too.
Whenever me and my friends would be out walking places and whenever we’d pass a dude, they’d purposesly turn around to catch the him lookin at me. It’s always like a two second interval before you turn around and catch them lookin. I walk up to stores and watch a nigga purposely stop to open the door or stop dead in their tracks to let me walk by and follow behind me just look at my ass, I always see them because of the the reflection in the store windows. Some of them are bold enough to walk up on me, and take two steps behind me to look at it. And those are the ones who attempt to call me beautiful, say I’m pretty, compliment a smile and say they like me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I need other people to verbally express any of those things to me. It’s just that my ass gets the attention first, sometimes it’s the only thing that gets the attention. Some dudes dnt wanna know me above the waist. They can care less about the kind of girl you are. With a body like mine you’re instantly considered a trophy. You’re on display. Dudes wanna know they got the baddest girl and her body real, she pretty and that nobody had her. Some dudes be like infactuated with that, the looks of a female and the ability and/or idea, to make another man jealous for his own ego. I’m not saying this is true about all, but I find truth in this idea about some. I’m up to discuss with anybody about it, if I’m wrong I’m wrong. But I will reiterate again, this is me speaking from my experiences and my truth. The real, the raw, the uncut. 🌹
The 11 year old me couldn’t handle this attention without thinking something was wrong with me. As mentioned before, my insecurities ate me alive and I was consistently in a battle with other girls, feeling like I couldn’t compare. The teenage and even young adult me, began to feed into the attention as if having a phat ass was all that I had to offer. I still wasn’t having sex in high school and my lack of self worth I constantly dimmed my own light. Because in some ways I was placed on a pedestal for having a big butt, I grasped to the concept and lived up to it. I’m moving into 11th grade now, I’m getting more freedom to do things and I’m still out meeting more people. On the more positive side however, I began to feel more confident about myself. I remember when I contemplated dying my hair blonde. I asked several people about their opinions and if I should do it before I did it. Some people said no, I guess the idea of a black girl with short blonde hair was far fetched. I took the risk, dyed my hair, and everybody loved it. From that point on I gained a new level of confidence. My junior and senior years of high school was fun as shit. Endless laughter and memorable moments that I’ll rememinsce about for a lifetime. It was the start of the journey of not caring about what people thought about me and making my own decisions, doing what I wanted to do. With that came the glimpses of puppy love, the lessons about making and losing friends, and becoming a responsible adult. So again, on to the next new mysterious chapter in my life.
I’m thinkin I’m a lil grown now, me and my friends is making moves. Movin but steadily movin in silence. I for sure was movin in silence. I liked people but I liked one. Nobody would have ever known because you had to see it to believe it, but it ain’t too many people out here that believe in GHOST
Til next time…🌹